Are you one of those women who’d prefer to see no evil, hear no evil, or speak no evil? But when you’re living with a man and enduring his narcissism, addictions, and likely his emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and perhaps sexual abuse, too, it just doesn’t make sense. You don’t have to label him as evil, but you need to awaken to the realities of what his behaviors are doing to you. And in my mind at least, that’s evil.
For your own well being, you have to awaken to the fact these men rarely change. You will, however, as he continually attacks you with emotional abuse and verbal abuse that not only stings, but erodes any sense of self worth or confidence you might have had, just as a stream of flowing water ultimately wears away the stone beneath it. Get more details about narcissism
By the way, don’t think it’s a mistake what he’s doing. Watch what happens if you try and call him on his behavior. He might imply you have a problem because you took offense at what he said; he might tell you it was all a joke, and you’re just too sensitive. He might tell you that it’s who he is, and you just need to accept it. He might tell you that with all you put him through, you deserve any emotional abuse or verbal abuse he hurls your way.
What he probably won’t do is apologize or admit that yes, if he was in your shoes, he wouldn’t like to hear the things he slings at you. Furthermore, because he can feel your pain, he’s going to lay emotional abuse and verbal abuse aside.
No, don’t hold your breath waiting for him to show any understanding or empathy. The narcissistic don’t show empathy. What they do show, though, is a sense of entitlement to be anyway they please. And they are pleased to do anything that works for them and gets their needs met, even if yours never are-or you are destroyed in the process.
Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and any other form of abuse he engages in gain him the results he wants. Thus, he is getting reinforced for his bad behavior. He is not about to give it up. Remorse, guilt, or shame aren’t words in his vocabulary. Keep reminding yourself of that, okay?
Right now, however, lets’ talk about your behavior in response to his abuse. Do you try to predict the things that might upset him or send him into a rage? Then, do you try to take care of those before he might even know about them?
Have you given up something you’ve enjoyed, or otherwise modified your behavior, to accommodate or please him? Have you dropped good friends he doesn’t like, for example? Do you stay home rather than travel because he wants you there all the time, just in case something might go wrong that he doesn’t want to deal with? Or, perhaps it is something simpler. You tell your friends never to call you in the evenings, and only because he doesn’t like that.
Okay, are you getting the idea that as women, we tend to try and make light of what is actually happening? No, we don’t want to stare hard into the realities of our marriages. Somehow we minimize the extent of the emotional abuse or verbal abuse. We make excuses for it, plus we tell ourselves we can handle it despite our anxiety, depression, and the aches and pains that seem to appear for no reason at all.
Could they be trying to awaken you to the abuse you endure?
You won’t remain healthy if you live on a diet of junk food. How can you expect to exist, never mind thrive, when you allow your mind and body to consume emotional abuse and verbal abuse constantly? After all, no matter how hard you might try to ignore it and tell yourself it is really about him, not you, it is still impossible to keep some of it from getting through and harming you.
Why do I say these things? Because I’ve been there. Yes, I’ve been the victim of a narcissist’s abuse. I trained to become a therapist during the course of that marriage. But even with all the tools I had to try and minimize the impact of my husband’s emotional abuse and verbal abuse, I couldn’t shield myself from its devastating impact.
Trust me; he won’t care if his abuse damages you. Your narcissistic spouse will likely think that whatever he does to you, somehow you deserved it. Yes, you brought it on yourself. Indeed, you gave him no choice but to batter you with verbal abuse or undermine your sense of worth with his emotional abuse, too. Again, don’t expect any empathy from him because those suffering from unhealthy levels of narcissism don’t have it. You must see the evil, hear the evil, and speak the evil that’s eroding your life. You must stop the downward slide into oblivion.
If he’s a charming and successful narcissist, and I suspect he well might be since many of them are, other people might think you’re exaggerating if you try and speak honestly of his narcissism, addictions, and abuse to them. You might do better to find yourself a group of people who can understand.
You might want to attend a local Al-Anon meeting.
Okay, even if his addiction isn’t to alcohol, go anyway. Al-Anon is for any person whose life has been impacted by another’s alcoholism. Haven’t you had a family member, a friend, an employer, a coworker, or someone whose alcoholism impacted you somehow at some time?
Sure, it can be scary to go to Al-Anon for the first time. Soon, though, it will become easier for you. You might even look forward to being in a room full of people who can appreciate your emotional pain as well as your fear to take steps to change anything.
Perhaps in that supportive environment, you’ll be able to see the evil, hear the evil, and speak about the evil that another’s narcissism, addictions, and abuse bring into your life daily. Also, when you can do that, you’ll be starting down the pathway to change–the pathway that will led you towards goodness instead.
Diane England, Ph.D. is a licensed clinical social worker who usually writes on narcissism; addictions including alcoholism, drug addiction, and sexual addiction; and abuse in the forms of emotional abuse, verbal abuse, economic abuse, and sexual abuse. Her articles especially target the woman married to a financially successful narcissistic man who makes family life difficult because of his narcissism and often coexisting problems in the areas of addictions and abuse. But she also deals with the woman’s possible issues including codependency, plus recovery through more than self improvement or personal development; she covers spiritual growth, too.